The Field Guide to Weird Dog Breeds

Sighthounds

The following is an article of unknown origin. It has made the rounds of sighthound devotees for years. Thanks to Liz Armstrong for sharing it with me. It is so darned funny that I could not resist publishing. Happy to credit the author if you make yourself known.

A sighthound is a dog that has been selectively bred to hunt game by sight and speed. There are many breeds that fall into this category including Greyhounds, Italian Greyhounds, Whippets, Wolfhounds, and Afghans.

What do they have in common? They are Sleek. Sophisticated. Spectacular. Mostly.

The Greyhound
Let us start with the Greyhound. Their beauty, speed and graceful athleticism are truly something to behold. A Greyhound running at full throttle is a spectacular sight to all who see it. They are however not entirely undeservedly renowned for being... well, a bit dim. Much fast. Very runnings. No thoughts. Oooh a bunny!

𝐄𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐮𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫

Lurchers are -allegedly- sighthounds with added brain cells and additional death wishes.

A lurcher is a cross or mixed breed dog comprised of a sighthound of some type and a something-else of some type, usually a terrier or herding dog. From here onwards, we will refer to the humble lurcher by its other,
less well-known name: The Shitehound. (This is a British variation of an American word that you can figure out.)

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝.

Many Shitehounds are a cross between a Greyhound or similarly stupid stick-dog and a crackhead, batshit crazy breed like the Border Collie or Patterdale terrier. Often as fast as their sighthound ancestors, they are also a spectacular sight. Unless you are a bunny or, of course, that Shitehound’s owner. Owners of Shitehounds see them hit full speed and panic. This is because they KNOW that their beloved 100 mph bucket of spaghetti and crayons is about to injure itself in a way science had previously considered impossible.

Fun Fact! Did you know that grass leaves are now referred to as "blades" due to the shocking number of horrific lacerations they cause to unsuspecting Shitehound paws? Unfortunately, as well as being fast, they also have skin so thin that if you shine a torch from one side of them, you can see the light exiting the other - which makes for a hilarious Halloween party trick!

The downside to this of course: they break a lot. They are so delicate in fact that it is said that if you stare at them hard for more than an hour, they will spontaneously disassemble themselves completely and fling their disembodied bits off into the sunset at top speed, never to be seen again. We recommend that you do
not try this.

Shitehound owners are almost always plagued with phobias of barbed wire, twigs, and the knowledge that even if there is only one single shard of glass in their entire county, their Shitehound’s feet WILL find it.

The problem with Shitehounds, you see, is that they're just sighthounds on meth.
Much fast. Very huntings. ALL THE THOUGHTS AT ONCE. Oh no, a sharp leaf.

Our final fact today is that Shitehounds are sometimes created by the unholy union of a greyhound (extra fast, extra dum dums) and somethingespecially bananas- like a Belgian Malinois. (WORKWORKWORK! Bite the bad guy! RUNRUNRUN! 900 TABS OPEN AT ONCE!) The result is a dog that can outrun a Maserati and continue to do so for up to 18 hours at a time (unless it encounters a particularly sharp blade of grass), wants to chomp on ALL OF THE TUGGY THINGS, will throw itself out of second story windows for gits and shiggles, has approximately 9 thoughts a week and is made of broken Twiglets, pipe cleaners and the desperate hope that it will all hold together.

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